GO GREASE LIGHTNING!

Derrick and I before Grease started!

Day three....a bitter sweet ending!

Last night after the show I slept over at Shauna's. I left in the morning before she got up and went over to Derrick's to talk and say goodbye. Wow I had done really good the whole time of not crying but I could not help but sob. I miss him like crazy! And I didn't want to leave right then. Before I went up there I felt that this whole thing did not even phase him! I was wrong. I am so glad I went up there to clear the air. I looked into his eyes and I knew that he still loved me, I could feel it too. I could also see that he had a decision to make and it pained him because he knew what he needed to do. He asked what happens when your heart tells you one thing but you know what you need to do is another. I cried harder cause I knew what he was talking about. He told me how much he cared about me but he felt this is what he needed to do. I was reassured in his eyes and I believe him. I know we are on different paths right now and we need to take our own and not hold each other back, that does not mean they will not cross again but for now we have to do this. I told him I would be stupid to not have him as my best friend and I want to know what he is up to and hear about his struggles and want to be there when he needs someone to vent to! He he told me something very sweet back with the same reassurance. I left feeling better about the roles we will play in each others life. I made him a cd with songs that told our story! My only rule was for him to listen to the whole cd all the way through after I left. I titled the cd, Past Present Future. He made a bear that will sit on my desk and hold pencils. He carved it out of wood. I take back the saying the other day when I said I was embarrassed to have loved him so much! When I looked into his eyes I felt the feeling was mutual! People just don't come into your life like this and I know I can not let him go! I still love him..... Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Alpine slide pics!

Derrick all ready to go down!

Me at the bottom of the slide! I went really fast and it was fun...

I may have screamed a little too!

Day 2..

Us on the lift up!

I slept in for a bit because I was super tired! Derrick and I went into town and went to a few of our favorite places that we enjoyed going to. We met up with Kimberly and Mike and went on the Alpine Slide!! A first for everything! It was a blast! Derrick pulled some strings and was able to get me into the play Grease with the rest of the logde! That was so much fun!

A road trip well worth it! and a little adventure... DAY 1

splattered mud on my car...

Well 5 hours on the road alone gives a girl a lot of time to think about... and that was one way. And the route I took has a lot shorter then I would have thought! Thanks to Brenda for the pointer to take that route!

Going up there I had worked myself up and I was actually a little frustrated at the situation, that is why I was planning on going up and getting my stuff then basically going home. But a lot of my friends tx me and called me and begged me to come up to the lodge. I came up with many excuses but all of them were solved before I got there, but still reluctant to go. When I met derrick at the park entrance, he gave me my stuff and we chatted for a bit. I asked if I could use his sticker to get in to go up to the lodge. I first visited with a really good friend Shauna, too bad Gabe was asleep but we snuck into the room and looked at him. Then I went and talked with rich and Kimberly. Derrick and I had a long good talk. here is the adventure part

Has anyone heard of the joke where this guy is sitting on a roof and in a flood, he is praying to God for help and people on a raft, boat, helicopter all stopped to help him and he told them, no My God is going to save me. Well he dies and when he meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he asked Peter why God didn't help him. Peter just said, "you stupid he sent three people to help you!" First of all Shauna asked me to stay the night on here spare bed, I told her no, I want to go camping for the last time. Then Derrick asks me to stay with Shauna but I told him no I want to go camping for the last time. On my way out I stopped by Liz's to ask if she would charge my phone for the night and she asked me to stay with her and I told her the same old story. Here I go, I had to camp in the National Forrest because it is free, well the only place to camp is about 20 miles off the main road in the middle of the forest. I actually started to get scared but by then I did have a choice of going back, realized I was almost out of gas, my phone charger broke on the way up there so I had no phone because I left it with Liz. At this time I thought of that joke and I I pray that God would forgive me for not listening to someone, anyone! The fun still kept going. I kind of was lost, I got stuck in a mud puddle and spun my tires there until I rocked myself loose, and it is about 11pm. I found a place to put up my tent but I had never put this tent up before. Long story short, It was a very long cold night that I did not sleep at all. I heard the wolves all night long. Once it was light enough that I felt not so scared, I packed up and went back to the lodge and knocked on Derricks door with my sleeping bag in hand to sleep on the floor.

Derrick wasn't too happy that I actually went by myself and I probably wouldn't do it again!

FIRST Test in school and more!

Well here I am ready to go up to Jackson, I have been givin a quicker route up to the lodge and I am going to put it to the test! I talked to Derrick for a long time last night and got the opportunity to ask any question I wanted. I feel better about the situation and I got a chance to explain to him why it hurt so bad, I finally figured it out. I have dated quite a few boys and have had several boy friends but never has a break- up hurt so much. Sounds really cheesy but it is true. I mean rejection hurts anybody, but Derrick was a first for several things. He was my first kiss, first guy I truly "fell in love" with, and actually the first guy I allowed myself to cry in front of. I am a very independent and self reliant person, and to allow myself to depend on someone emotionally and at a physical level and in the end get hurt, it stinks! I fell in love with who he was and almost embarrassed at how hard I "fell in love" with him. After all is said and done we are still friends to some degree. I need to put myself first and watch out for number one! Maybe at a later time I can be a better friend.
I took a my first test today, hmm I was thinking it would be a multi-choice exam but when I showed up it was really a 8 essay exam. I feel I studied adequate for the test and I am hoping I did just fine! I will soon find out! It just caught me off gaurd.

First night in my apartment...

A night ago all my great neighbors (pretty much family) chipped in and helped me with a bed frame, dresser, and mattress! So I loaded my pick up truck and used like 20+ bungees to strap it all in. Yesterday my aunt showed up at my apt and helped me carry all of the above up the stairs and into my room! I went shopping last night for food and went back to my apt. and chilled. I have one roommate and right now we have our own room.... hmm i have come to realize that my apt is a place that just stores my roommates stuff.... have not seen her in there yet... she mentioned her boy friend in there somewhere when I talked t her all of one time... no worries, so my place is really quiet! Well when I went to bed last night I could not figure for the life of me why the room would get light and dark every few minutes, so I got up to pull the drapes over the window. While doing so, I saw a stop light out my window and realized that was what had been bugging me for an hour!! But all is well I had a nice sleep and because my phone was dead, I had no form of clock to get out of bed on time! But no worries only a few mins late for school!
I am going up to the Grand Tetons this weekend... some time between work, and a test due by sat. Anyways I need to get my camping gear from Derrick. I am doing really good about this whole thing, first day or so was hard not to talk or even tx him but school and work have kept me occupied! Actually didn't tx for 2 days.... doesn't seem long but when you think about not tx someone that you have everyday for 4 months... it is harder then you think! I did tx hm today to work out where and when we are to meet up to exchange the goods. I made Derrick a cd last night, I have named it Past Present Future... pretty much our relationship in a nutshell. I think music can express what what you feel emotionally better then one can say it! I love music and I know he does too, he'll understand it. While I am up in Jackson, after our short encounter, I am going camping one last time, waking up and taking one last hike. I'm saying goodbye one last time before I go home. The Tetons do hold a special place in my heart and always will! Not planning any trips up there in the near future, and really never actually been up there til I went up to work. So, it may be years before I make it up there again! I am in between classes right now.... school is good just keeping me really busy. I love it here and am glad this is finally my last semester before my program! Wish I were further done with my school but will never regret what I did in its place! LIfe is good, but on the go....

Back to Reality....

I am finally back in school from a long amazing summer, with no regrets! I worked in the Grand Teton National Park at the Jackson Lake Lodge. I was able to have the time of my life; bouldering, hiking, camping, white water rafting, swimming, exploring caves, bear searching. You name it, I probably was able to do it! I did work in between all of the above! Most of all I fell in love, sounds wierd but I spent everyday with him for four months. I have dated alot and had several boy friends but I can honestly I had never fallen in love until I met Derrick. He made the whole summer worth it! He helped me to see another side of life, always made me laugh and loved me for who I am, which seems hard in this world to find. The hardest thing for me to do was leave him in Wyoming and come back to school. After all is said and done because of the different paths in life we are taking, he called it all off. I have never felt so heart broken and still feel it. How does one get over that, I can only come up with... time. I have always heard of the saying, ' when one door closes another will open' but the second part to this saying really hit hard. 'if we stand staring at the closed door we will miss the opened one.' I will not say that our paths will never cross again but for the time being we have gone our seperate ways. I have no hard feelings and hate for him, wierd to say I actually pray that he will find happiness and find what he is looking for. I am occupied with 18 credit hours at school and nearly working 40 hrs a week with 3 jobs. That alone will keep mebusy. I finally moved out into my own place! Something I knew I was suppose to do but could not for the life of me figure out how I was to afford it. I got my place and had the faith that the Lord would provide and last night I was offererd another job! I know God knows me and what I am going through, He does! That alone gives me hope to keep on going!